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The
Seattle Times
Book
Can Help Prevent Ugly Family Feuds After
You Die
Liz Taylor
Seattle Times
So
you plan to spend a few days this month
in the bosom of your family, celebrating
the season, honoring the reason and enjoying
one another's company, hmmm?
If
your stomach knots up at the prospect, be
aware that next to Christmas, the other
most common sources of family tension in
this country occur when a parent requires
care and when the parent dies. The need
to pull together in the face of great sadness,
long-standing family resentments, favorite-child
syndrome and whatever else pits siblings
against each other, makes these times difficult.
That's
why planning ahead is imperative. None of
us knows whether we'll need care someday
(though many will), but we certainly know
we will die. Failing to deal with either
or both of these issues until you're staring
them in the face — or turning 90, whichever
comes first — invites family fights,
sometimes outright war. I've seen siblings
spend years and entire inheritances in long,
drawn-out, acrimonious battles.
There
is one book that is just the thing to bring
sanity to this picture. It made me a believer
in preparation and prevention as the cure.
Called
"The Family Fight" and appropriately
subtitled "Planning to Avoid It,"
the book is by two wills-and-estates attorneys,
Barry Fish and Les Kotzer.
While
we're alive, each adult must have three
documents: a durable power of attorney for
property, a durable power of attorney for
health care and a living will. These ensure
that our bills get paid and we receive the
care we need and want if we become incapacitated.
But
just as important is our will after we die,
distributing our assets. The problem is,
a whole lot of us do it wrong. Some of us
who should know better (ahem, me until a
week ago) don't have one. Or we distribute
our things based on inappropriate assumptions
(such as: our kids will be nice to each
other after we die and share fairly, they'll
get along with our second wife, or our kids'
marriages will be permanent). Or we leave
no clues where to find our important papers,
turning our loved ones into detectives.
Such is the fodder of feuding families.
But
two big lessons in the book leapt out at
me.
•
To save your loved ones years of potential
bitterness, bend over backward to be fair
when dividing your assets. Make sure your
will does what you intend.
•
Your will is irrevocable after you die.
There are no second chances.
A
story from the authors' law practice exemplifies
both lessons.
A
father remarried after his first wife died.
His son understood that, when his dad dies,
the son will inherit a third of the estate
and the rest will go to the woman's two
children. But when the father died, he left
everything to the stepmother, and when the
stepmother died, she left everything to
her children — including the father's
sizable bank and stock proceeds, family
heirlooms, photographs and real estate that
had been passed down through the son's family
for generations. His stepsiblings refused
to give him a single item, and there was
nothing he could do.
Did
the father assume that his second wife would
look after his son in her will? No one will
ever know. Not having ensured that his will
reflected his intentions, however, he set
his son up to lose his family's wealth and
mementos.
Two
other scenarios that I've seen many times
hold the potential for family fights unless
they're dealt with fairly.
•
A son cares for his dad, assuming responsibility
for shopping, taking him to the doctor,
hiring caregivers, doing taxes, paying bills,
helping with bathing, laundry, even personal
hygiene. His efforts cost him a promotion.
His siblings live far away and can't help.
•
A parent bails out his daughter financially
when her business founders in a bad economy,
helping her to save her company. Her two
siblings have stable jobs and receive nothing.
"Fairness
is dictated by the circumstances in your
family, and you cannot simply stamp an equal
sign on your affairs and walk away,"
the authors say, offering a range of solutions.
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