The
Hartford Courant
Preventing
Tug Of War Over Bequest
Attorney's Book Says Key To Amicable
Estate Settlement Is Clear Communication
Between Parents And Heirs - And
Leaving A Will
By
Kathleen Megan,
The Hartford Courant
There
was the woman in the parking lot,
waving a crystal vase in the air
and screaming, "I bought
this for my mother 10 years ago,
and I want it back. My brother
wants to sell it." With that,
she smashed it on the ground.
If she wasn't going to get it,
no one would.
In
another case, two brothers seemed
to be having a civilized discussion
about a parent's will, until one
picked up a legal book and hurled
it at his brother's head.
And
there was the angry sister who
showed up with a bagful of shredded
photo albums, birthday cards and
other mementos from her mother's
estate. She told the lawyer to
deliver them to her brothers -
she was too angry over their handling
of her mother's will.
Family
feuds. Attorney Les Kotzer has
seen it all, and he says there
has been an explosion in the number
and intensity of sibling fights
over their inheritance and heirlooms
when their parents die.
He
boils it down to the vast intergenerational
differences between baby boomers
and their parents. The parents
grew up during the Depression
era, watching every penny, buying
second-hand cars, debating purchases.
Many now have sizable estates,
especially with the vast appreciation
in the worth of the family home.
Their children, who may have chuckled
at their parents' thriftiness,
have spent wildly on real estate,
SUVs, electronics and entertainment.
Now they are relying on their
inheritance to bail them out of
debt.
When
you add to that volatile mix a
will that contains surprises,
or isn't clearly written, or is
nonexistent - you have the ingredients
for a family battle.
That's
why Kotzer, with colleague Barry
Fish, has written a guide offering
advice on how to avoid such disputes:
"The Family Fight: Planning
To Avoid It" (Continental
Atlantic Publications, $19.95).
"Everyone
is talking about saving taxes,"
said Kotzer. "What they are
not talking about is how to save
the family. You can save taxes
but destroy your family in the
process."
In
general, Kotzer says, the best
ways to avoid the bitter disputes
that set sibling against sibling
is for parents to make clear their
intentions in conversations before
their death - and, of course,
to have an up-to-date will.
If
you'd like a big funeral, let
your children know so they won't
argue over it. If you're planning
to do something that might seem
unusual - leaving the house to
the child who took care of you,
for instance - discuss it ahead
of time so that each child understands
your intentions.
It
may seem obvious to you that your
son the social worker deserves
the bulk of your estate because
your daughter the surgeon has
all the money she needs, but arguments
are not just over money. On the
other hand, don't assume that
splitting everything equally assures
there won't be fights.
Kotzer
urges parents to be as specific
and detailed as possible. "Never
assume your children will have
goodwill toward each other when
you die," he says.
Here
is a brief compendium of Kotzer's
advice, starting, as he does,
before death:
Fighting
Can Start
Before
Death
If
Dad or Mom become incapacitated
in a car wreck or develop Alzheimer's,
Kotzer said, generally all of
their assets are frozen until
one of the children is given durable
power of attorney by the court.
"Right away, there is a potential
war," said Kotzer. "Which
of the three kids will look after
him?"
And
then there are the thorny medical
questions: When will Dad come
off life support? Should a respirator
be used?
Parents
should take the lead before illness
or a tragedy and decide which
child will have power of attorney,
and they should prepare a living
will describing the medical care
they want. And it's best, Kotzer
says, if parents discuss their
decisions ahead of time with their
children.
Avoiding
Fights
Over
Heirlooms
Often,
personal items have the greatest
meaning to children. Parents should
be specific in doling out everything.
"You
may say, I leave my diamond ring
to my daughter, but which diamond
ring? The $10,000 or the $1,000?"
asks Kotzer.
Or
a parent may leave all of the
antiques to a particular child.
But what is an antique? Is a table
made in 1940 an antique or not?
Also,
parents trying to divide up their
belongings equally among children
can inadvertently create great
disparities if they don't update
a will. For instance, a father
may leave a baseball-card collection
valued at $5,000 in 1990 to his
son, while giving his daughter
$5,000 in cash. But a decade later,
that card collection might be
worth $10,000. If the father hasn't
updated the will, now there's
an inequity.
Equality
Doesn't Mean
No
Fighting
Often,
parents think they will avoid
any fights by simply divvying
up their estate equally among
children. But it may be that one
child truly does warrant a greater
share than another. For instance,
if one child takes Mom to medical
appointments and helps with grocery
shopping, while the other child
only visits on holidays, the caregiver
may well feel slighted if the
portions are equal.
Even
worse is the case Kotzer tells
of a maiden aunt who remained
in her parents' house, forgoing
college and a life of her own
to care for her parents. Her mother
told her the house would be hers,
but the mother actually left everything
equally to the three children.
The
result: The daughter was thrown
out of the house by siblings who
thought it unreasonable to ask
them to give up their share in
it.
In
the case of a caregiver, Kotzer
suggests talking to the caregiver
ahead of time and discussing what
special recognition he or she
might want and deserve. If the
caregiver is going to, for instance,
get the house, talk to the other
siblings ahead of time about why
this is. This cuts down on any
acrimony.
Don't
Automatically Cut Out the Black
Sheep
Often
enough, Kotzer said, he'll get
a call from an irritated parent
on a Monday morning who wants
to cut out of the will a child
who has angered him.
"You
assume you will be able to do
a new will and put him in next
week," Kotzer tells the person,
but what if you never get the
chance?
Even
if that child is a ne'er-do-well,
Kotzer advises parents to think
twice before cutting him or her
out, because it could cause problems
for your other children.
Deciding
Who
Should Be Executor
Kotzer
tells a story of three brothers
who came into his office to read
their father's will. They seemed
friendly and congenial, until
Kotzer opened the will, and the
eldest, the executor, said, "I'd
like you boys to leave the room.
I want to talk to the lawyer alone."
Later,
the younger brothers called Kotzer
and pleaded with him, "Please
don't let my brother sell the
family cottage. He always hated
it. At least give us the right
to buy it."
Kotzer
said that parents should think
hard about whom they make executor,
and they may want to consider
appointing all or several of their
children executors, and let the
majority make decisions.
If
You Don't Have a Will
Not
having a will is, of course, one
of the biggest mistakes anyone
can make. If you don't take advantage
of that chance to speak from the
grave, then the state will decide,
perhaps in a way that you wouldn't
have liked.
What
can be a particularly bad situation
is when someone is especially
dependent on a close friend, but
without a will, the estate goes
to a third cousin in Sioux City
who has never even seen the person
