Deseret Morning News

Plan Now To Avert Family Fights After You're Gone

Greg Kratz
Deseret Morning News

When my grandma Kratz died a few years ago, it was a difficult time for my family.
But I feel happy when I remember one particular scene. I was in my parents' South Dakota home, joined by my mom, dad and sister, aunts and uncles and other family members, and we were looking through boxes of photos, jewelry and other mementoes, deciding who should take what.

Few of the items in those boxes had much monetary value, but by sentimental measures, they were priceless.

Everybody wanted something to remember Grandma by, and that could be a recipe for disaster. I can see how such emotional situations can end up in petty squabbles, maybe even serious fights. Instead, we spent the day laughing, crying, telling stories and growing closer as a family. I'm grateful to my family members for giving me those moments and those memories. And after talking to Les Kotzer, I realize how lucky I was.

Les is an estate-planning attorney in Toronto and the author of "The Family Fight: Planning to Avoid It." (For information on ordering, go to www.familyfight.com or call 1-877-439-3999).

He tells the story of a woman standing in the parking lot outside his office holding a crystal vase. It was a gift she had given to her mother, and now that her mother had died, she wanted to keep it.

However, the vase was not specifically given to her in her mother's will, and her brothers wanted to sell it and split the proceeds. When Les told her she would have to follow the will, the woman smashed the vase to the ground "so nobody would have it."

That's just one of many horror stories Les includes in his book.

Les says he comes from a close family, and that is why he wants to help other families stay together while dealing with the challenges surrounding death. He likes to remind people of something his mother used to say. "Her greatest gems were not in her safety deposit box, but they were in her family photo album," Les says.

He says his book is not about saving money when planning an estate, but saving families.
"People ask, 'Where is the starting point for planning?' The average lawyer will say, 'Bring in your net worth statement.' I say, 'Bring in your family photo album.' . . . To me, the family photo album is really the starting point."

Les says families with little material wealth often think they do not need estate planning, but he has found that money is not the only issue that can lead to fights.

Children may fight over who should care for a parent who becomes incapacitated. That's why all parents should establish a durable power of attorney, Les says, one for property and one for health care.

"If you don't have that, your family could be at war in court," he says. Les says families also fight over memories.

"Many times parents will work out the money issue, but they won't work out the memories issue," he says. Children may end up spending thousands of dollars in legal fees to fight over an item that cost a few bucks when it was purchased, but now has great emotional significance. Children also sometimes fight because they feel slighted. For instance, Les says, a parent may decide that splitting everything equally among her children is fair. But if one of those children was her primary caregiver in later years, it may be more fair for that child to receive a larger inheritance.

"Never assume equality is always fair," Les says. "Just because your will says everything goes equally to your kids, don't think that's going to stop the fighting among your kids. . . . Never assume goodwill between your children." When parents leave it to their children to work things out, he says, it often means lawyers will work things out.

"Once you get a call from your brother's lawyer, your relationship will never be the same again," Les says.

What it all comes down to, he says, is communication. Parents need to communicate with their children. Children need to communicate with their parents and with each other. If they talk and plan, the death of a parent can strengthen family bonds instead of ripping them apart.

That's the experience I had when my grandma died. And after talking to Les, I'm going to make sure my children will have the same experience when my time here is done.